Fallen Angel
by Jared
Summary: [CCD] *new chapter* An accident causes Nokoru to lose faith in himself, leaving him to pick up the pieces. To do so, Nokoru must first learn the most important lesson that he ever learnt...
1. Default Chapter

Fallen Angel  
Jared 

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Disclaimer:  
The following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic. Information regarding tear gas was taken from http://www.millennium-ark.net/News_Files/NBC/Chem.Agents.Tear.html 

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Chapter 1: Going blind

"Doctor… is he going to be all right?" Suoh asked anxiously. He had kept vigil outside the operating theatre, almost as though his mere presence would help his friend. 

"Well… his wounds are superficial, but his eyes… " 

"Yes?" Suoh prompted, his voice wavering slightly. 

"I'm afraid there's nothing much we can do. Prolonged exposure to the tear gas has that effect on some; it's highly likely that he'll never recover his sight." Regret laced the words of the doctor. 

Suoh stood there, motionless. All that he had heard was that Nokoru was now blinded; that was all that mattered. //_ How can this be happening? I don't believe this- I refuse to believe this. No, Kaichou can't be blind- it's impossible! _// Suoh was in a state of shock. //_ How can this be happening? How could I have failed him? This is my fault- all this resulted from my incompetence. How will I ever face him again? _// 

"Can… can I see him?" a hoarse voice asked, and was glad to see the other's head bob gently. 

"Just don't stay too long." He warned, "He won't wake yet- the anaesthesia hasn't had time to wear off." 

* * * * * 

Suoh entered the room, his eyes on the limp figure lying on the bed. A few swift steps soon brought him to the side of the bed. He gazed in horror at the bandage that was wrapped firmly across the eyes that he had known so well… eyes which sparkled with mischief and good humour; eyes that would no longer be able to see… 

Suoh choked back a sob. //_ I can't break down… If I do, Kaichou will feel even worse. I have to be strong, if only for his sake… _// 

Reaching forward, he gently touched the bandages, feeling its roughness against his fingertips. "I'm so sorry;" he whispered, "I never wanted this to happen. Please forgive me." 

* * * * * 

When Suoh finally left the room with Akira in tow, Nokoru turned on his side, pulling the blankets tighter around him. Unknown to all, Nokoru had actually awakened some time before, but had lay still when he had heard the terrible news- news that explained the darkness around him and made it unbearable. 

** "Come on, Takamura- senpai. It won't help even if you're here. Why don't you go back and rest? Kaichou will need all the help he can get, now that his eyes…" his voice trailed off. **

Nokoru stiffened ever so slightly. //_ My eyes? What's wrong with my eyes? No, don't jump to conclusions just yet. There might be nothing wrong with it, nothing permanent. Just wait and see. Calm down, it's ok. Just calm down now. _// 

He heard Suoh laugh a bitter laugh. "Help him? I'm not sure he would still want me around. Because of my incompetence he'll never be able to see again! I don't know how I'm going to face him now." A strangled sob followed that outburst. 

"Takamura- san, please… it's not your fault. You never wanted this to happen. Come now, get some rest. You're exhausted. Kaichou wouldn't want to see you like this." He reached out and led Suoh firmly out of the room. "Besides, you'll only make it harder for the hospital staff to work. That might not be good for Kaichou" he reasoned. 

//_ I'm… blind? _// Nokoru felt numb. //_ No, this can't be happening. Please, don't let this happen. Kami- sama, please, don't let this happen. I don't want to be blind! _// He reached out with a trembling hand and felt the rough gauze beneath his fingertips. 

Suddenly, something in him snapped. Nokoru began clawing at the bandages with all his might, pulling frantically at it, as though the action would enable him to see. Finally, the bandages fell onto the bed; yet the darkness did not falter. He reached out and felt his lids to make sure that they were open, pinched himself to make sure that it was not just a bad dream. Tears streamed down his face and he began to sob uncontrollably when he realised that he really was unable to see. "No, this can't be happening! I don't want to be blind! I want to see! Please, let me see again! Let me see again!" 

Doctors and nurses alike rushed into the room, doing the best they could to restrain the flailing child. A sharp needle was applied to his arm, and he lapsed into unconsciousness. 


	2. Broken spirit

Fallen angel  
Jared 

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Disclaimer:  
The following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic. 

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**Chapter 2: Broken spirit**

"Still no luck?" Akira asked. 

A despondent shake of the head confirmed his suspicion. "He's taking this a whole lot worse than I expected. Now he doesn't even try to do anything anymore. It's like he's lost all confidence in himself." 

Akira remained silent. It was safer to say nothing when Suoh was in one of his moods. 

* * * * * 

"Kaichou, it's me- Suoh." 

"Oh, hi Suoh." He forced a smile. "I wasn't expecting you. I would have thought there was tons of work to be done at the campus, especially after my accident." 

Suoh's eyes blazed at the response. "Why don't you come back and take a look for yourself? It's been ages since you last went to the campus." 

"I'm really tired, Suoh." It was more of a statement than a plea. //_ Besides, it's not like I can do much anyway. _// he added silently. 

Suoh barely felt the pain when his teeth made contact with his lip; he was only aware of his action when he tasted blood in his mouth. //_ How am I going to get Kaichou back on his feet? He's… different. I want Kaichou back the way he was. _// 

Aloud he merely murmured, "How about we just go and take a short walk? I'm sure fresh air would do you good." //_ Please, Kaichou, just agree. I'll do anything to help you. Help me, please… _// To his disappointment, Nokoru replied in that same tone of false cheerfulness, repeating the wretched sentence, "Suoh, I'm really tired." 

It was a dismissal, and Suoh knew it. Reluctant as he was to leave, he knew that Nokoru wanted some time to himself, to think things over. He rose to his feet, and moved gracefully to the door, pausing only to say, "I'll be back later then. Maybe we can have a picnic tea or something." His hand closed on the door handle and he wrenched the door open with more force than was necessary. 

//_ I'm sorry, Suoh. I'm just not strong enough… Maybe you'll give up soon. I don't want to be a burden to you. _// 


	3. Recovered faith

Chapter 3: Recovered faith  
Jared 

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Disclaimer:  
All the following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic. Information on tear gas was taken from http://www.millennium-ark.net/News_Files/NBC/Chem.Agents.Tear.html 

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Suoh resisted the temptation to bang on the door. All the pressure of the past few days had built up to an unbearable level, and he could barely restrain himself from crying out loud. It hurt him to see his best friend change so drastically, and live with the guilt. 

** "Kaichou, watch out! Suoh was frantic, he tried to push through the crowd that had forced them apart in their panic after the initial explosion. Just as he reached his target, however, the a slight movement in the crowd caused him to be separated once again. **

Cursing under his breath, Suoh forced his way the best he could, his instincts screaming of a possible danger. //_ What if this is another attempt to get to Kaichou? I've got to get to him fast. Darn this crowd. Why can't they just stop pushing? _// 

To his horror, men in black suits appeared out of nowhere, and taking advantage of the mayhem, began to try to force the boy along with them, knowing that within minutes the Imonoyama bodyguards would arrive and their chance would be lost. Suoh could see the bar hit his friend on the head; the blood that stained the shiny surface red; the frantic grabs… Finally, the crowd thinned and he could sprint towards his charge, shuriken and throwing knives already in his hands as he ran. 

A swift grab, toss, kick… the movements were familiar to Suoh; all of these were little more than an easy training session with his mother. However, being outnumbered, he failed to see the man pull a can out of his pocket, aiming it for his eyes. 

Just as the man pressed hard on the can, emitting the lethal gas which would blind Suoh for the few precious seconds they needed, a sudden blur pushed the intended victim out of the way, taking full blast of the liberal mist that emitted from the can. As soon as this was done, the older boy slid unconscious from the extreme concentration of gas he had inhaled, his face tear-stained. 

Suoh watched in horror as the one that he had risked tooth and nail to defend fell to the ground in a dead slump. His arms swiftly moved to catch the falling body, his legs straining with the calculated leap he took out of the ring that the men had formed around them. Hurried footfalls indicated the arrival of the backup that he had been waiting for. The help that had come too late. 

His hands were tightly balled that the knuckles were white. It was a nightmare, reliving that memory over and over again. //_ Why did he do that? The idiot! I'd rather it was me, not him; never him. Why did he take the blast for me? Wasn't it enough that he took the bullet for me already? _// 

//_ Because he cares for you; he doesn't want you to get hurt- not now, not ever. He wanted to protect you then, he wants to protect you now. There's nothing that you could have done, or that you can do to stop him. _// 

//_ But I'm supposed to protect him, not the other way around. And he's not letting me help him. _// Suoh shook his head to clear his mind. It had been ages since he last had a conversation like that with himself. Yet it felt strangely comforting. 

//_ Feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in self- reproach isn't going to help him you know. _// 

//_ Then what should I do? _// 

//_ What you always knew you had to do- be there for him. He needs your help and support, now more than ever. You can't abandon him now; don't give up on him. If even you give up on him, then there really is no hope for him. _// 

//_ Yes… I understand now. I promise you, I won't fail you this time, Kaichou. _// 


	4. Eternal Strength

Fallen Angel Chapter 4: Eternal Strength  
Jared 

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Disclaimer:  
The following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic. The song "Learn to do it" was taken from Anastasia. 

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Author's note:  
For all you folks who want to read the story while listening to the song extracts, please go to this site http://flite.topcities.com/eternal_strength.html 

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"Come on, Kaichou. I've got something to show you." Suoh said in a rush. He reached down and gently heaved Nokoru to his feet, half-dragging, half leading him to the door. 

"Suoh, wait, wait! Where're we going?" A baffled Nokoru asked. 

"You'll see in a moment." Suoh wasn't giving much away. 

* * * * * 

I was being led at a furious pace. It was all I could do to stop falling over my feet. All the excuses I had tried to make were futile as Suoh insisted that there was something I had to see. See, me? What can I see now? Nothing... nothing at all. All I see is the darkness that lies before me, the eternal darkness that never lightens. I just want to stay in my room and think. 

I know, it's childish. One should not wallow in self-pity just because one loses one's sight. It's illogical to let a setback get you down. Yet when you face failure for the first time in your life, you'll wonder how others manage to get back up- it's hard, so very hard. Fighting Idomu and the frustration I felt then was nothing compared to this. I hate myself for being so weak and crumbling when things go wrong, I know what I ought to do... yet I just can't do it. Isn't it ironical? The famous Imonoyama Nokoru, the one rumored to be so intelligent that is even sought by NASA, ultimately lets his weak heart rule his mind. What a joke. 

Still, I have to say, Suoh is just about the most stubborn person there is. I've tried again and again to make him give up on me and leave me alone; I failed yet again. Sure, I ought to be glad that I've got such a good friend who believes so much in me, yet he fails to realise that the more he does, the worse I feel. He reminds me of what I was, what I am, what I'll never be... strong like him. His mere presence indicates my failure- my failure to make him despise me and leave. 

I feel useless, nothing more than a burden. I can't even make my friend hate me anymore. Yes, I'm losing my touch- I've become useless... Useless, never was there another word which could make me feel so despondent. Useless, it is a word that describes me now. At least one thing's for sure. No one will be targeting me now. Who would want to target someone who can't do a thing? Everyone tries to hide from the blind because they don't know how to react, and I guess it is this fear that will keep me safe. 

Should I be happy? This is what I've been hoping for, isn't it? For people not to target me, for me to be relieved of all the responsibilities that have been flung at me, to be seen as imperfect. Yes, I got it all now, so why should I be upset? Why should I still cling onto the past? Humans really are a mystery. You can go on with your life, certain of what you want, finally attain it, and realise that that was never what you really wanted to begin with, desperately trying to return everything back to its original state. 

Oh, we're slowing down. That must mean we're getting closer. 

I guess I have to think about this later when I'm alone- Suoh wouldn't give me much time to think, eh? 

* * * * * 

"It's a statue." I have to admit, I was faintly surprised. Suoh brought me all the way here to look at a statue? That is unbelievable! What would I possibly want to travel all the way here to see a statue? 

"It was sculpted by Eliath Johns." 

I was amazed. Eliath Johns was an art scholarship student at CLAMP campus. That, however, was not the most amazing thing of all- like me, Eliath Johns was blind. Now I understand why Suoh brought me here- to prove to me that being blind does not hamper one's abilities. Yet I was doubtful- Eliath was probably one in a million; how many blind artists are there? Besides, Eliath had made it this far despite being blind- I had not. 

As usual, Suoh seemed to be able to read my mind. Evidently, that was not what he wanted to show me. "Here, feel this." He took my hand and placed it on something rough. My fingertips ran over the smooth surface, feeling depressions in the cold, smooth surface where my hand had been placed. It must be metal, and those depressions must be words. I wonder what it says... 

I can make out letters, individual letters. It just doesn't make any sense to me, that's all. It's a E, followed by a T, another E... I can't do this, it's too hard. My hand drops from the edge of the metal plate, and I'm ready to give up. 

But what's this? A warm hand closing over my own, and guides it back to the wretched plate. Suoh captures my other hand with one of his own, placing it over his own eyes. I try to free myself, but his grip is too strong. 

Slowly, he moves my hand across his eyes, and I can feel his eyes are shut- the lashes tickle my fingers ever so slightly. I understand his point- he's going to read it with me. 

If I can learn to do it,  
You can learn to do it,  
Pull yourself together,  
And you'll pull through it,  
Tell yourself it's easy,   
And it true  
You can learn to do it too!  


I heave a deep breath. This is going to be hard, but I guess the best things always are. 

Finally, it came together- "Eternal strength"- the title was eternal strength! And Suoh had brought me here, to see and touch this statue, which was supposed to manifest eternal strength. Is it tears I feel prickling at my eyes? 

I finally manage to wrestle myself from Suoh's grip. I feel elated, suddenly I feel stronger, almost as if the statue had given me the strength that it portrayed. 

If I can learn to do it,   
You can learn to do it,  
Pull yourself together,  
And you'll pull through it,  
Tell yourself it's easy,  
And it's true,  
You can learn to do it too!  
There's nothing to it,  
You can learn to do it too!  


"Thank you so much, Suoh." I murmured; it was all I could utter, but I had a feeling he knew what I meant- thank you for not giving up on me. 


End file.
